Toppen av Lykke

(Translated title: Peak of Happiness)

#deathanxiety #christmas #deadline #travel

This isn't really a topic I'm comfortable writing about; it's not a topic I enjoy writing about. However, I don't believe it's enough to introduce you to Death Anxiety and then close it all back up again into the emotional bottle it is.

This is my fourth day home. I've just crawled out of the reorganising of my room. I'm quite proud of what I've done; it looks like a room I would actually enjoy staying in now rather than a boxed up museum. Yet...to me I still see ghosts. Ghosts of the future.

For three days I've gone through my clothes...They'll think "she used to wear this". Will they fight over the dresses? Will they remember me when they touch the fabrics? Will the dresses tell the stories of a young girl with hopes and dreams?

I've gone through my letters and my childhood drawings, writings and paintings.What people said about me..."she's nice, cute and kind"...will they read it in past tense? Will they understand who I was looking at these paintings? Will they try? Will I be remembered?

I've cleaned a room, but I don't know if I've prepared a ghost trail.

I'm not of to the war. I'm not ill. There's nothing in the world to suggest that my life is to end, besides me leaving to a dangerous continent in a couple of weeks. Yet, every minute of every day my fear whispers about death as an outcome in my ear. It's only 9 weeks, but I know if I come back from those I will be left with a feeling indescribable to me after the inner chasing I'll have gone through. I don't want pity writing this, I don't want anything from writing this; more than anything I'm disgusted with myself for writing this because I'm off to help someone in a far worse situation than me; children who live in those conditions every day and I'm scared of 9 sad weeks. Yet, this is why I write about what I do. Because fear is relevant to all of us. Fear makes us feel small, ashamed and pitiful. It tries to stop us from doing what we are passionate about; it makes us feel like our dreams are our enemy and that the dead-ends are the sanctuaries. Yet, we have to be courageous and step past it. I guess the good thing with fear is that sometimes it pushes us to do just that.

Another good thing about fear is that it makes us value everything so much more: I've sat in my grandparents living room and even the funny little Christmas Santa on TV commercials fills me with relief; there's hot cocoa in my cup and my grandfather plays the harmonica. Outside is a world I know;the hills, the air, the waters and the Norwegian tranquillity fills me with a promise of tomorrow. It's "koselig". It's my peak of happiness. Toppen av Lykke. Every moment is magnified and illuminated in my sight like the glittery Christmas star against the wintery Christmas sky in the window. Then comes a grasp and a gasp: a clutching hand around my heart; a paralysing feeling of dread and terror: will this be my last....?

Fear. Anxiety. What I'd do to be without it, yet...what a life it provides me when I move past it.

#Courage #faceyourfears #BeBold

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C. Qvam

C. Qvam

23, Kristiansund

A chaser of those ambitions; currently a freelance traveller, philanthropist and writer living her biggest dreams of travelling around the world, volunteering and getting the inspiration to put pen to paper. Feel free to browse through all my categories and articles, stay tuned for more updates! <3 I've moved my writing base to a new platform! Please look at christinaqvam.com for my travel journal either you're interested in my travelling and volunteering or if you're just keen on doing the same but need more information! Look at cqvam.com for my own homepage where you can find other interesting links. I will still keep using this blog for personal stories and updates!

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