I Packed My Bag with One Toy

The title is a reference from Kevin Hart's Seriousy Funny showand the particular sequencereminded me of 6(ish) year old little me storming out of my mamas apartment. My little bag in one hand and my special pillow in the other. This happened quite often. I was done living at home and thought I'd be better off on my own out in the wide world. Me and my pillow. The only thing I loved and which never failed to love me back. The longest I got was to the playground. The shortest I got was outside the front door after accidentally dropping my pillow in a puddle. I remember standing next to it crying. I couldn't go anywhere without my friend, but I was too stubborn to go back inside as well.

She was born to become an angel. I was born to become a humanitarian.

Over one and a half decade later and I'm standing at this crossroad again. I'm packing my bags; packing down my flat; packing down my life in the UK (for now). In a month's time I will be heading off to Thailand to volunteer at an orphanage. It's the beginning of a longer (unknown) period of time volunteering around the world, but this particular placement is done to honour the 10th year memory marking of my mama's passing, to give something back to a country running through my blood and to be a support to children in the situation I could have been in if my grandmother had not taken action in the last minute. It's not only my dream, but also a mission and a duty I have to my conscience, my heart, and something larger than (my) life out there; it's driven by the knowledge of who I could have been and who I'm meant to be because of what happened to me.

I introduced you to the relationship between me, my mama and this mission before and in the same article I said I would be fighting my own anxiety going on this trip. I'll elaborate on this in the next couple articles (even though that'll be just as hard as actually going through with these plans). I'm anxious, but I'm also hesitant for other reasons. I'm at the crossroad. I'm at that stand where I don't want to leave my pillow behind in the puddle; where I don't want to leave behind important people in my life and the life I've built for myself.

I love unconditionally, dream unlimited and keep resilient faith like a child, but I'm not six any more...

My world is not restricted to the playground...

And any door to a home with my mama waiting closed a decade ago.

I gotta do this; I'm packing my bag.


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