I'm a Survivor, for my Mama; for the Woman who Created a Soldier

Over the past couple years I've written one article after the other in memory of my father. In 2011 it was ten years since he passed away. It was also the first year it got to me. The first year I struggled with the loss of him and 2012 became the year I had an accident and were two guardian angels away from ending up in a wheelchair, or worse, like him. 2013 I was stronger and in 2014 I'm bulletproof. How do I know? Yesterday was ten years since I fully became an orphan and it was as if the day never happened.

Staring at the bottom of your glass
hoping one day you'll make a dream last
But dreams come slow, and they go so fast 

I don't often write about my mum. Very few knows why. I want to, but I'm also not ready to reveal all the reasons. The memories I have of my mum are similar to those of children with alcoholic parents. Of parents that do things parents shouldn't do and behave in a manner inconsistent with their nature. As mentioned once before, my mum struggled with a severe manic depression. She had episodes where she was delusional and hallucinated which could make her take on a violent behaviour. She didn't know who she was, who people around her were and they said she wasn't even supposed to remember what she'd have done during the episodes. 

You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you'll understand why
Everything you touch surely dies.

 Yet, she did remember when she came to. I had to be the ten/eleven year old looking into my mum's eyes as she cried for forgiveness. My own sweet mama who wanted nothing but good things for me and who loved me, her little angel, so much she couldn't even block out the worst things she had ever done in her life.



 It was nothing to forgive, I never saw it as her fault. I knew, already at that age that her mental illness was beyond anything she could control. It sucked her life away and on the 25th of May 2004 it ended it as well. At this point I expected it to happen. Not only was death a big part of my life at this stage, but my mum's mental illness had taken so much from us, split us up as a family and forced her out of the country away from the two most precious things in her life: me and my sister. This is why I care so much about the causes of mental illness, why it's second of my priorities after supporting orphans and struggling children. Every human being should have the right to have their life and live it to the fullest. I'll be writing a lot more on this topic in the future, but for now:  my mama was a brave and loving woman with so much empathy and conscience that she just couldn't bear it.  

Let it go, let it go
You only need the light when it's burning low
Let it go, let it go
You only miss the sun when it starts to snow

 People have been scared that I'm going to be depressed like my mama. Yet, they don't know how much my mind fight the very idea of it. How much it amplifies living life to the fullest, making a difference, saving lives, be a light for others like I needed others to be. I've almost finished my degree now and started planning my world trip abroad where I'll be volunteering for orphans and really doing something meaningful in respect to what I went through in my childhood. Not stressing over a career, not buying meaningless material things, but fighting my own anxieties and appreciating every valuable moment and people I'll meet in new cultures. I'll be living my dream, for me, my mum and my dad across continents of the world. I'll be raising that flag of freedom; freedom to be alive and to control my own destiny. I'll go back to the fairytales and the child in me, climbing rocks and mountains, seeking adventure and fulfilling my dreams. 

Here I stand
and here I'll stay

And I couldn't do any of it without my parents. My parents who gave me life and left me knowing I'd be safe and free to live life for them. We didn't get to be the family we were meant to be, but hopefully I'll always have them with me. Sometimes you have to paint the pain to see the beauty in it. Sometimes you have to struggle in life to value it.

You only know you love her when you let her go




*Lyrics pieces from Sam Tsui's mashup of Frozen - Let it Go/ Passenger - Let her go

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One Comment, add yours too!

foreignerat50

27.05.2014 kl.05:37

It was so sad and heartwarming to read your story since I can relate to you because I had a miserable childhood because of poverty and my father was blind and deaf.

Anyway, I managed to create a better life for ne with God's help and doing everything I can to help those that I can help.

good luck to you!

C. Qvam

04.06.2014 kl.20:57

foreignerat50: I'm really sorry to hear about your childhood, I don't wish it upon anyone to lose it like we did. I'm still really glad to read that you've come out of it stronger and caring, although it is biased to say I believe it is the best way to handle difficulties!

Thank you and all the best to you too!

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