Aim High

After being torn in two between countries, witnessing a terror-summer in my fatherland, my late dad's 10th memorial year, boys trouble (gag - take frying pan - facepalm), and not to mention the very hard affected butter crisis (jokes) - I'd safely say I'm done with 2011. It's been a very emotional year (at least the last half), mostly not in a good way though I'm not gonna deny it had its cheeky moments of happiness once in a while. BUT, enough whining; what this article is all about is my new year's resolution. 

In opposite to the past years I'm not gonna come up with a list of resolutions - I only got one. Second day into the new year I spent in front of the fireplace, writing down negative thoughts and things in my life from the past year (basically everything that'd make me gloomy and sad faced). Then I threw them on the fire, staked on a stick.

2012 shall for me be a year of happiness, positive thoughts, laughter and a healthy attitude. Now I'm well aware of throwing a bunch of notes on the fire won't create any hokus pokus and I'll automatically get a Botox smile. But it's a start. The nice lunch meeting and trip to the cinema after with a good friend was a start. And saying sorry, here and now, for anything I've done wrong or anyone I've let doing wrong against me is also a start. 
I believe that few people are thoroughly bad, and that those who does wrong does so because of self-preservation, wants and a momentarily incapability to consider others' point of views/feelings. I believe that counts for most, me included. So I'll regret my mistakes instead of excusing them and go on. Humans fail. Same counts for everyone and everything I felt hurt or attacked by. I'm just moving on from it, happy in the belief things happened because of some reasons I'm ignorant of and not because I might have a dartboard on my back. heeh.

So this year: positive attitude. I'm gonna concentrate on what matters for me...

Cheerleading

Writing

New Zealand, summer 2012

and the best of

friendships <3

Take out your colouring pencils and blank papers people, it's a new year!

Merry Christmas Everyone!

While you all lovelies in Wales and England opened your presents this morning, me and my family along with the rest of Norway opened ours  yesterday. A foreigner fact from across the pond is that we celebrate on the 24th with all the traditions that belongs. Church for some, the traditional films on tv for others, food, some dessert, and then presents, presents, and presents with some laughter on top.  

On little Christmas eve I had trouble finding my old Christmas sock so I went for a cheeky old sock instead. Don't think Santa minded as when I woke up it was just to grab it and eat candy to the traditional Christmas films on tv, 'Tre nøtter til Askepott' and 'Reisen til Julestjernen'. 

This year we took up an old tradition we haven't been doing since my little cousins were small. But now we got my niece and nephew in the right age so now it was time to go in a bunch and see if the barn-santa was still coming to ours for Christmas (A very Norwegian tradition).  

and then everyone went home to change the christmas sweaters into dresses and suits. When people returned from Church it was time for a lovely Christmas dinner and...

Presents!

Now really I find myself these last Christmases that I don't care that much for the presents (of course I love getting some, it's always exciting) but it's more fun to see my family's faces when they open theirs from me. I think I did a good job this year as well as last year - win! 

Not everything is easy during Christmas, and especially not this year. Me and my niece is also namesisters, which makes the present-opening quite eventful but laughable. Only this year it become pointed out and realized that the reason we always know 'To Christina, from Mom and dad' is for her is because there's only one of us this is possible for. My brother patted my head and I smiled. Smiled because I was in a room with people I loved, even tho I for the first time really needed two more people to be there. 

When I went to bed I kept thinking, thinking that I don't have one Christmas memory with any of my parents. Not one besides from my first years which was taped. Then I kept thinking of everyone that don't get to have their loved ones on Christmas, and especially of the families of the victims of 22nd of July. Then I asked for peace and a good Christmas for them all and fell asleep. 

Sometimes things happens and you can't explain it. I don't know if it was too much thinking, or because I wanted it so bad, but on this Christmas night I had a dream of my dad, and that we hugged and cried together. The memory of it still had me crying after I woke up this morning. If it was happy or sad tears I cannot say: I still wanted to hug him, but I was so glad to had felt him close for once after all these years. I believe it was a little of both kinds of tears - but I was glad. 

And so this became a very special Christmas for me. And I hope it was/is a good Christmas for all of you too <3

And maybe be a bit more excited than this one, hah!

He could hear small sounds of water drops sinking into the surface as he slowed down his pace by the bathroom door. After a deep breath he opened it with a firm hand and entered. She had already soaked herself into the bathtub, her upper body resting against the frame. She looked back at him with an anxious expression, her chest barely rising by exhaustion.
'What are you doing?' he asked as he hurried over and took the hand she reached out for him.
'I thought this might calm her.' She breathed out and folded her free arm around her naked body, 'Did you call them?'
'Yes, they'll be here soon. Do yo - '
'Good. There's not much time left. She's trying to break out.' Tiredly she closed her eyes.
He studied her expression and worn-out features. 'Don't you think you'll manage to keep her in?'
'She's far too strong. Are you regretting the decision?'
'No. I mean... I don't want to lose you.'
'Don't go back on the decision, promise me? I'm so sorry for the hard time this has put you through.' Her body quickly shifted and her eyes grew with worry.
'I promise,' he whispered, 'It's alright.' She closed her eyes. A moment of silence.
'John?'
'Yes?'
'I'm scared.' Her voice quivered.'Don't be, look around you. You got candles and aromas to calm you down. You're safe.'
'I'm scared John. I don't want to go. Call and cancel.'
He raised one eyebrow.
'It'll be alright, we have to do this.' He said shortly.
'I don't want to go John. Don't let them take me. I don't like the clothes there.'
'It will be alright, they'll bring you back to me.'
'You think so John... Do you think I'll come back?' She looked at him, her eyes turning glossy and red. He studied her face and tucked a wet lock of hair behind her ear.
'You have to.' He said firmly.
'Will you love me even when she's gone?'
'I only love you. You're the sweetest, kindest, gentlest... and I only love y-' He choked on his words. Immediately he hid his face against his arm, letting the tears come unnoticed.
'Please... don't let them take me John.' She whispered desperately. He let out a muffled sob. His back was shaking.
'You have to go...'
'But why John? Why!?' Her voice grew annoyed and louder, steadier. He looked up and let go of her hand.
The doorbell chimed.
'John..!' Her eyes grew wide and her hands gripped the edge of the bathtub; the water rippled by her quick movement.
'I'll be right back love - we have to do this. It will be ok.' He stood up and quickly backed out of the room.
'John!'
Her shout repeated itself in his mind as he hurried to the door and opened it. Two policemen and a nurse stormed in.
'Where is she?'
'Bathroom.' John breathed out and they left him. Screams. Yells. The police's voices shouted calming instructions. She screamed after him. On instinct he ran to her aid, but the sight stopped him in the doorway. She was standing in the bathtub, the water moving in waves like blades around her. Her expressions were wild and almost animated, vicious and enraged. The nurse was helplessly trying to shield her with a towel, for whose sake he wasn't sure.
'John! Don't let them do this, John! Don't let them do this to us!'
'I'm not,' he mumbled, 'I'm letting them do this to you.'
Her eyes narrowed and she stopped for an instant staring at him, then her lips curled. In this moment of peace the policemen managed to grab her and take her out and down on the floor where they locked her in a white jacket. The incapability to move had her realise what had happened. She spat out in fury, cursed them all and did her best not to stand on her own two feet when they tried to move her out. But they were stronger and the two men carried her out between them.
'You'll never see her again, John, I'll keep her within me!'
A realization; He ran after.
'Wait!'
'Sir, we need to get her to the ordered destination.'
'I know, I just need to say...to say goodbye.' He begged. They stopped. The two policemen exchanged glances, but his eyes were set on her.
 'Please, let me say goodbye.' He said directly to her. She stared back at him, a twisted grin painted on her lips.
'I want to say goodbye...because I love her and I know she'll come back to me.' His jaws strengthened as he bit his teeth together. Her grin twitched, and it was almost as if her eyes softened for a second - long enough for her eyes to turn glossy. Then the cackle erupted and the policemen shook their heads, escorting her out.
'It will be OK, she'll come back. She'll get good treatment with us.' The nurse reassured him, but her eyes were all out of hope. He looked after them as they brought her away from their home. In that moment he knew that he didn't want her to return even though he knew he would never stop hoping that she would. In that moment he truly felt how it was to be torn in two. 

This is from a seminar assignment I had in Creative writing a month ago or something. Sorry the layout is so shit, but this webthing and my word-document just didn't agree. Copyrighted and written by me, 

In relation to my past article about doing the right thing I just want to mention one little thing that came to my mind today. At a point of the day there was a video circulating among my friends on my newsfeed on facebook. I'll recommand you all to push all "I'm all that" thoughts out of your heads and actually read the words of this little boy very carefully. 

My following words isn't as much directed to people my age (cause we should be old enough to already know this) but people more on this boy's age. 

You're all to enter a phase where it feels like you can either be the one bullying, or be the one being bullied. But if that's what you believe then you forget that you actually can be the person inbetween. As you become older you'll learn that there is nothing great about being a bully. There's no respect. There's no fear. There's no idolizing. The people that are being respected and liked are the ones that can seperate what's wrong and what's right. It's the ones that don't bully but accept everyone and anyone for who and how they are. 

Save yourself some regrets for the future. Stand up for people like this kid, who gets bullied and looked down on. It is not right that anyone should experience that. It is not right that anyone should grow up struggling through life and hating it because someone else is insecure about themselves. Because that's what bullying really is: big children that hasn't grown up and needs to push others down to their level because they can't walk tall enough themselves. 

To those out there being bullied there's not much I can think of saying at the moment which I bet you haven't already heard. I just want to say I hope your luck will turn soon; I hope either you or some fantastic person will stand up for you/yourself - not because you should, but because you can. You are better than these people. Take care and always, always remember it isn't you there is something wrong with. It is them. 

Photo//Google
"Blogging people AGAINST bullying"

For me half of the joy of Christmas is the days before... The countdowns, the Christmas decorations coming up and the first tastes of the delicious Christmas treats. It's my favourite part of the year (besides summer when I can go faceplanting into a water somewhere). So much love for Christmas <3

Last year was a bit strange, being in a new country while all the traditions were back home. Needless to say I was very very homesick. I haven't felt much of that so far tho, a little bit, but not too much. It might be because we were more prepared this year. Me and my flatmate bought in all the Norwegian Christmas food we would need, got ourself a christmas tree, calenders and the norwegian televisioned advent calendars on dvd. We're celebrating christmas in our own perfect little style now and I couldn't have felt more Christmassy.

1st of December was celebrarted by decorating the house and attending the Winter Snow Ball for charity. It was a wonderful day, even tho I got stuck by the chocolate fountain at the end of the night.... yuuum.... (A)

2nd of December we arranged a little Christmas get-together. We were decorating the tree, playing traditional Christsmas music, watching lovely Christmas films and eating food like "Risengrøt", Norwegian Waffles with "Brunost" and jam, gingerbred-snowmen and drinking norwegian "julebrus". It was such a fabulouse Christmassy day. oh the pleasure of arranging Christmas in your own appartment, in your own way <3 

Photos taken by Me and Ina B. S. M. 

And everyday for the rest of the weekend, me and Trine have woken up to watch ONE episode of "Blåfjell" on dvd every morning - keeping to the rules <3 

HAPPY DECEMBER EVERYONE & A MERRY CHRISTMAS

Moulin Rouge taught us that "the greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return". 

- well I'm not gonna deny that it's quite a nice lesson in so many ways, but there's no point in loving another if you don't love yourself. It is in my personal opinion that you'll hardly be capable to fully learn that lesson if you haven't learned the ones regarding yourself. 

Not too long ago I wrote an article about confidence, how it's important to fight for it (because there'll always be people trying to take it away from you) and in the end be able to be your own judge. I still believe that to be one of life's greatest lessons, got no doubt on the matter, but I also want to mention another one. Egoism and arrogance is nothing new to anyone I'll bet. The world are full of people who acts after their own wishes, goals, lust and amusement. I'm not an angel on the matter, I believe very few are and they're probably not aware of it because they're too naive and giving (it's not a bad thing; it's a sad thing because there's nothing but goodness in those people and people take advantage). One can't blame people for being egoistic either - we're responsible for our own lives and one can't argue that everyone deserves to do what makes them happy. But we can narrow our eyes on those that intentionally uses and stamps on other people for their own amusement and status. One example I want to bring up is from a night where I was walking along the seafront to have some fresh air and clear my mind. As I walked out on the pier, a drunk boy with a girl under each arm shouted "You're not gonna kill yourself are you?" at me. All three of them walked of in laughter. 
Needless to say I was disgusted. Very very disgusted. I know so many (depressed) people having hard times and depression itself that I thanked the sky that it hadn't actually been a suicidal person meeting this trio. I wouldn't be surprised if that person had jumped. I really wouldn't. In that moment me myself lost quite alot of belief in people, how would then a person too far down feel?

Another example I wanna bring up is from a night out this weekend (I know, many night outs, but I do believe that's when people's usually show their true colors). There'd been some fights and there were two unconscious boys laying in the entrance of the club. One of them had his mouth filled with blood and the police was trying their best to figure out what happened. I didn't see it, I wish I had so I could have helped. Maybe that wish was why I got annoyed when a guy was boasting next to me to his mates that he had seen it all. I told him to go tell the police. He said he wouldn't. I baffled asked him why. He wasn't a snitch (obviously he must have been one of those watching when people was being put in the toilets as kids). I questioned his IQ. He called me a lesbian and a bitch. It was quite a lovely conversation really. So mature. I called him a gay and a dick after that. Yeah I know, I didn't do any better.  In all fairness after enough hassle from me he went to the police and told them what he'd seen. 

I still don't get what the problem was with doing that in the first place tho. Thanks to witnesses, the police are capable to save time and solve cases which actually means something for the offended (families). When people can be so arrogant and so cowardly as in these examples, in the age we're in now, there's absolutely no wonder we got big bullies running wars over our planet. Facebook got my religion saved as "humanity". I don't believe in figures from religions swooping down over our earth and making it all better. I believe that we ourselves are responsible in shaping our lives, futures and world by the choices we make and the attitude we have when making the choices. The boy and his crew might still think of me as a bitch, but I'd rather them think that of me than myself thinking myself for being a coward and not standing up for what was right. As long as you do that, it's not too bad that you don't think of global warming or polution, because at least you've tried to do something. The lesson is that one single action won't matter much in the bigger picture, but it will matter for you as a person and affect the ones around you. And that's when it makes a difference. 

 On this night, 10 years ago, a tired face couldn't sleep. People walked down the stairs. Well if they couldn't sleep there was no wonder I couldn't. Being curious I cheekily went out of bed, planning to ask for a glass of water to check out what all the noise was about. No one seemed to mind me coming down. No one seemed to chase me back to bed. They were all in tears, dragging their feet over the floor as if they were sleepwalking. I had never seen Grandpa's serious face in tears before. It seemed surreal. They told me about the call. You were dead, dad. 

I didn't get to say goodbye. I didn't get to see you one last time. There wasn't even a coffin. Ashes to ashes. I've always accepted it. My attitude has always been to live and let die, past is past - I have to move on. I've always been alright about it, until now.. 
I've been dreading this day for the last months. There's been a constant aching in my  heart.  An itch that suffocates my chest and makes me wanna grab whatever bothers me and rip it out. Loneliness has been coming from every angle and all I've wanted is for someone to hold their arms around me - only I've been too scared cause I knew I'd break down. I've been more emotional than all these ten years all together. A proper mess. I've been trying to be strong, to hold my head up when things have gone wrong. I've been trying to do my very best and be a good person, to do what's right and stand up against what's wrong. I've just been wanting to make you proud and stand tall. But I ended up beyond the breaking point. My trust have been tested. My beliefs and my strength. I'm sorry. I got brought to my knees, pushed and stamped on by all the conflicts life keeps throwing at me. Yet I've been keeping it quiet, hidden behind smiles, and it hurts. I haven't been able to talk to anyone, I wanted to talk to you. I've rather been walking to the sea to let the waves crush against me like this pain's been doing. I've been wanting to crumble up in a heap and cry for you to come back and tell me things are gonna be alright. I've been wanting you to come back and be my dad. I need you to be my dad cause goddamnit I've been missing you!

Maybe the hardest fact is that if  I could have chosen it to be differently I wouldn't have, because you'd still be in pain if you were alive. I was lucky and got some extra years with you, the only years I can remember. I can live with that. And I will live with that. I'll stand tall, because if ever there has been anything I've learned from you being gone is that I can't give up. I can't maintained focused on death cause it will only stop me from living. Yes, my heart aches for you to be there for me when I come home, to tell me the guys who breaks my heart isn't good enough for your girl, or to join me on family trips like most dads. But I've accepted that my world is different from that. I've accepted that none of you are gonna be in it. I have taken what I can learn from this and put it to my heart. I've grown up knowing people come and go, and that no one will be there forever. I've learned one just got to enjoy the time one have together, make the best out of life and be grateful when it all passes away. They tell me I was your little princess, but I think you know I grew up to be tougher than that.
I'll be alright from here on, and I hope the both of you are too. I got a lot going for me, I managed my dream and moved outcountry on my own. It might be the hardest challenge yet, but it's provided me with a lifestyle I wouldn't be without. I know life and I wanna live it. Even tho this day is gonna be hard I'm not gonna spend it alone. I got some wonderful people in my life who loves me and I them. I'm not alone and you'll always, always be in my heart. Even though I will face all my years to come without you, even though I can't hear your voice, I know that you'll be right with me.
I love you, I love you so much.

Rest in peace

16.09.1960 - 20.11.2001

Forever your loving daughter,

Pictures taken by Ken Alvin Jenssen this summer for my portfolio...

When I was back home this summer I got that question quite a lot along with 'Have you become a model?' or 'Are you going to do this instead of writing?' Well this is how I figured I could answer most of you who still wonder about this. 

The Writing Part...

Just to establish one thing: Writing has been one of the biggest passions in my life since I became a teenager. There will never be a moment I decide to "stop" my plan to write my books, but that does not mean I won't try out other things. For an example I'm more likely to get another official job than "author" just because of the simple fact that it's a risky thing to put all my faith and future on. Now that that's said, the reason you hear more about the modelling on this blog is because there's a limited amount of information I can give about my progress as a writer. I've published some of my small writing samples, but it's not like I can publish the bigger projects now is it? Obviously. 

The Modelling Part...

Am I a model? I don't call myself that. The photographers I'm shooting with might, but I've never seen myself that way and don't know if I'll ever be used to do so either. The thing is I'm "in learning", I'm building a portfolio. I'm not being paid, but I'm not paying anything either. So what you'd like to call me I'll leave up to you. Now is modelling something I want to go for? Well I don't know. I love it for two reasons, it's fun and it gives me a hell of a lot of confidence. But what I've been told from my photographers so far and experienced when the pressure is being stronger is that Modelling can be quite demanding physically. Professional models have to be ready for a shoot whenever, with whoever, etc. I find a month with 3 or 4 shoots tiring because there is this constant pressure to look good, feel good, have a good stamina, not be bloated, etc. Now modells have this pressure everyday, every hour of the day if they get called in. I really doubt I'd be able to or even willing to handle that. I'm actually not surprised most models have an eating disorder. 

...and a little bit about confidence 

Now I mentioned I like to do the shoots and portfolio building for confidence, and it honestly is a confidence boost which is why I want to take the chance and recommand anyone out there to grab a camera, go out with friends/a friend and have a shoot. Even go to a professional photographer if you want, you never know where it might lead you - and no matter what you'll have a fun time and good pictures to show for it. Confidence is one of the most important things a person have to deal with through their lives while at the same time it is one of the things people & experiences will constantly try and take away from you. Makes it quite obvious you got to fight for it then doesn't it? Challenge yourself. That's what I do everytime I step infront of a camera. I got a goal, a story to tell and a picture to take. I think my biggest fright is when I'm publishing the results; it gets my heart pounding and my thoughts racing until the first comments arrive, but when they're positive, then I know I can dare to be daring. And if it's negative? well some are always going to be negative and that's when you fight for your confidence. It's my job to feel good about myself and -

- Only the above can judge me

Atm I'm soon off to Redhill to stay there until I've taken my coach course for Cheerleading, level 1 & 2. I bet it's really not that interesting for anyone that doesn't do cheer, so therefore I will tell you about my staying in Bath instead. Just a bit tourist reviews for anyone that might be planning to go!

Basically I chose to visit Bath because I'm planning to move there for uni when I'm done with my BA hons Eng lit and Creative writing in Aberystwyth, so be prepared that my opinions on the city might be different than those of a tourist's view. Well, Bath is a city of elegance and simplicity (pretty sure that's the words the tour bus guide used). The whole town is build in the same Georgian style and it's absolutely stunning, especially for any 18th century fans like myself (think Jane Austen). It also have the most beautiful country side. This gives the town a charm and beauty I've been missing in other towns and which you usually would go to Greece, Italy or Paris for. Speaking of Paris - Bath also offers the same assosiations. And here's where my tourist happiness stopped. You have to be really comfortable in your own company to take pleasure of Bath to the full extent. Like Paris it's quite a romantic city, and if you go alone you spend 30-50% of the time thinking how single you are (and how much it sucks). I think the many red flowers, the beautiful scenarios, spa's and horse&bungy made it the hardest. But then again, Paris offers excitement and possibilites and so does Bath. I can't deny that the extra attention of a hunk leaning over his wheel to smile to me when he drove past, another starting to sing Sean Kingston's 'Beautiful Girl' and a third wolfwhistling as he climbed down from the house he was fixing, lifted my spirit - tho the wolfwhistling did make me roll my eyes (What can I say, us girls really don't know what we want do we ;p).

On another level I was checking out the town from a student's point of view, a student that currently is studying in Aber to say. Well Bath is definitely a much, much bigger town than Aber (shouldn't take that much really) and with all the buildnings looking alike I have to admit I walked in circles once....or twice....or let's just say I ran out of counting..!
The people wasn't quite as welcoming as they are in Aber, but that might also have been because I weren't drunk (?) - it's a possibility... Speaking of being drunk, I couldn't see any nightclubs (might have been because I was circling the same streets mostly) but thinking about it, I can't imagine the nightlife being less varied than in aber - and if that so be the case, Bristol isn't too far away I've heard. So yes, after day two in Bath and some batting of eyelashes later, I think I'll be doing a good choice in choosing Bath, but I also have to check out Oxford Brooks before I decide.

Have a good weekend people, I got a train to catch and this internet cafe is eating my money.

ps: guess which idiot forgot her Camera and phone charger, yes, that'd be me. Period.

So earlier I haven't really been able to think of much but what happened the 22nd, but now life have slowly gone back to normal and without the news reminding me everyday or showing me pictures, I actually find myself thinking about it less and less - but never never, I don't think I'll ever stop thinking about it completely. 

Nevertheless, life has to go on and I will soon be blogging about other stuff, though I really got no idea what atm. I have been looking through my archieves and found I have quite a lot of writing to do from the roadtrip I took during easter (whoops) so I'll probably start there and finally give you the details of what I can remember...Let's just hope I can remember ANYthing....

But I'm not gonna do that tonight. Tonight I'm sitting alone in our livingroom, looking out at the darkness while being snuggled up in our armchair. Yiruma with River Flows in You is playing in the background and is as usually putting unspoken words to my feelings and thoughts. Feelings and thoughts of loneliness....happiness....and contentment. It has such a beautiful tone to it that song...and it fits my mood perfectly. I'm feeling loneliness of obvious reasons (besides sitting alone in the livingroom, staring out of the window like a knob) cause I miss someone to have and to hold, I miss that closeness and intimacy with someone I'd hold more valuable than anyone else. But then again I'm feeling happiness. I have some wonderful days left at home with my old friends that care for me a lot, and only two weeks left before I'll be off to wales and start living again (preferably before I loose my sanity by being at home....justkidding). I'll see my darlings, move into the new flat with my most precious bestfriend Trine, meet new people and just live! As you probably can see I'm still longing back to the uk, and I'm pretty sure much of the loneliness comes from that as well. Finally all in all I'm still feeling contentment. sort of. I'm feeling content because I've had an enjoyable evening with mates where we laughed, joked and laughed some more. I'm content because there is no such thing as never and because I will see everyone I miss very soon. I'm content (more blessed actually) because I'm alive and that the ones I love is safe. I'm content because I know whatever'll happen, life will go on and there'll always be possibilites. I'm content because even tho one might feel sad and lost at times, there is always light in the end of the tunnel. 

//photo: weheartit